After two really good days that were HARD but completed. I finished yesterday with a conversation with my husband unlike one we had ever had before. He rarely opens up but last night after seeing the changes in me and noticing how I am trying to make a difference in our relationship and the relationship I have with our three children. My husband finally explained to me why it is so hard for him to want to be involved as a father or a husband or even part of this family. My husband is struggling with broken dreams.
He feels like the last thirty years of his life's work and dreams and goals is gone forever.
He self-lessly gave up his years at college to pursue a more financially stable position for our family. When I was unable to work for the first time in my life, he stepped up. When I was struggling to keep our high risk pregnancies safe so I could bring home our girls at term, he gave up his goal of a college degree. When I was recovering from a car accident that injured my spine, he gave up will to pursue a career in Japan. When I was fighting cervical cancer, he settled into a stable job opportunity that presented itself. He let me heal without having to worry about whether we were going to pay the bills or how I was able to stay home with the children while I was fighting cancer.
It's no wonder my husband is facing depression and resentment and anger toward us.
He has given up all he worked for and even though I gave up things as well, I adapted. He did not. Before this challenge, I'm not sure I would have had to patience to listen to him or the willingness to understand and be kind in my response to him saying all this. In fact. I know I wouldn't have. My heart broke last night when he told me this. Tears streaming down my face. My heart shattered into pieces for him and our children.
Now more than ever, I know my husband needs me. Now more than ever, I know I need to find a way to show him not all paths to his dreams are lost. I will support him in whatever way I can. As his wife, as his partner, as his best friend. I do not want him to continue down this path of frustration, resentment, anger, and depression. That is not good for our family. So instead, I pray that God will make a way for him to see the change in me and create a desire for that change to grow in him.
He feels like the last thirty years of his life's work and dreams and goals is gone forever.
He self-lessly gave up his years at college to pursue a more financially stable position for our family. When I was unable to work for the first time in my life, he stepped up. When I was struggling to keep our high risk pregnancies safe so I could bring home our girls at term, he gave up his goal of a college degree. When I was recovering from a car accident that injured my spine, he gave up will to pursue a career in Japan. When I was fighting cervical cancer, he settled into a stable job opportunity that presented itself. He let me heal without having to worry about whether we were going to pay the bills or how I was able to stay home with the children while I was fighting cancer.
It's no wonder my husband is facing depression and resentment and anger toward us.
He has given up all he worked for and even though I gave up things as well, I adapted. He did not. Before this challenge, I'm not sure I would have had to patience to listen to him or the willingness to understand and be kind in my response to him saying all this. In fact. I know I wouldn't have. My heart broke last night when he told me this. Tears streaming down my face. My heart shattered into pieces for him and our children.
Now more than ever, I know my husband needs me. Now more than ever, I know I need to find a way to show him not all paths to his dreams are lost. I will support him in whatever way I can. As his wife, as his partner, as his best friend. I do not want him to continue down this path of frustration, resentment, anger, and depression. That is not good for our family. So instead, I pray that God will make a way for him to see the change in me and create a desire for that change to grow in him.